


Fallen Light

by TommysIdiosyncrasy



Series: The Mind's Silence [3]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: And Physical Hurt, Angst, Blind Character, Blindness, Burns, Confusion, Crying, Emotional Hurt, Flashbacks, Hurt Merlin, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magic, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Post Season 3 but before Season 4, Protective Arthur, Protective Knights of the Round Table, Self-Indulgent, Slight OOC, but only because he doesn't remember anything, i keep hurting my children, just the usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-06-29 13:24:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15730275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TommysIdiosyncrasy/pseuds/TommysIdiosyncrasy
Summary: The pounding in his head that'd been a slight annoyance before was now a raging pain that seemed to rip through his skull and tear into his brain. There was only one clear thought in Merlin's mind as he clutched his head and fell to his knees:You can't trust anyone.





	Fallen Light

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long to get out, I've had the worst combination of laziness, procrastination, and writer's block. I hope this story makes up for it

Riding a horse blind was a rather terrifying experience. Climbing up and settling into the saddle had been challenging enough, but once one of the knights climbed up behind him and kicked the horse into a trot Merlin wanted off  _right then_. 

After a whole day of riding, it wasn't that bad anymore. Of course, the feeling that he was about to slide off the side and fall into nothingness still persisted. The knights had informed him that there was one more day of travel and if they made good time they'd arrive at Camelot by dinnertime. Merlin had heard a lot about Camelot, the Gwaine had taken it upon himself to tell story after story the night before as they sat around a crackling fire. Merlin didn't have the heart to tell him that nothing he said rang a bell. 

Merlin could now identify each knight by sound or touch. Gwaine had a higher voice than Percival but lower than Arthur's, Elyan had a slightly heavier accent unlike the others and Leon always spoke calmly and quietly. Gwaine talked to him the most, whether to guide him around the camp or stories when it was his turn to let Merlin ride with him. Percival was Merlin's favorite to ride with, his large frame had been slightly intimidating at first but he was very warm and the gentleness he handled Merlin with made him smile. He was a gentle giant, humming as they rode or describing things along to way to Merlin like the pretty flowers or the flying patterns the birds above flew in. When Merlin rode with Elyan, he didn't speak unless it was needed. Merlin sat behind him on the saddle rather than in front like when he was with Gwaine, Percival or Leon. Arthur also barely spoke and had Merlin behind him. Merlin assumed he didn't have a proper friendship with Elyan before the whole memory loss thing but whenever it was Arthur, it felt like he couldn't bare to look or speak to Merlin. Even if he didn't recall who Arthur was to him, it still hurt. 

Merlin learned that Arthur was the prince of Camelot, a great kingdom that they each were a knight of. Merlin also learned that he was Arthur's personal manservant. Merlin found this rather odd, the way they each spoke to him spoke of years spent knowing each other like old friends. He was only a servant to the crown, the one to muck out horse stables and bring Arthur his breakfast in the mornings. They never told him this outright, but Merlin guessed it was true. 

The longer Merlin thought of this, the more his head began to hurt. It was a dull throb behind his eyes that made him reach up and rub his forehead, his thoughts turning away from what he'd been dwelling on moments before. Now, as the sun was setting, Merlin sat on a log along the edge of their makeshift camp. They'd sleep the night and wake up early to finally return to Camelot. Arthur said someone would be able to help him there, someone named Gaius was the royal physician and would help Merlin. Even if Merlin couldn't see him, he was certain Arthur had waited for the slightest hint of recognition at the man's name. When he received non, he simply told Merlin to go to sleep and they'd travel more in the morning. The first night they'd made camp in the cave but now they were in the middle of a great forest that stretched for miles. Merlin could feel life thrumming in the earth below, the trees beside him and even in the air he breathed. It was rather odd, the power that hummed in the plants and other things growing around him. His hands heated up as he sat there and he clenched them tight, feeling an odd tingle go through his fingers. It'd happened before and Merlin now reached for it, grasping whatever it was and letting it fill him up. He felt rather light headed and when he felt like he would burst, he was suddenly laying on his side and gasping for air.

Arms shaking, Merlin pushed himself up and off the dirt. Luckily, non of the knights had been paying attention. He was certain they'd have said something if they'd seen him tumble to the ground. Breathing heavily, he sat back down on the log and curled his hands into tight fists. Whatever that'd been was still there, simmering beneath the surface but whatever had stopped it before seemed to be keeping it down with a heavy hand.

It didn't feel right.

Merlin didn't like it.

He wondered what this feeling was, the power that'd swooped through him and left him breathless before some unseen force shoved it violently back. Merlin was sure there was something wrong with him, he had lost his memories and sight but now there was this. Merlin decided not to mention it to anyone, not wanting to alarm any of his friends. Absentmindedly, he brought a hand up to his face to rub in between his eyes were a small headache was building. Merlin stood and began to make his way closer to camp, thoughts a tangled ball in his head. He was tired of being confused and lost, uncertainly stumbling along as he tried desperately to remember. 

All of these thoughts were suddenly cast aside as Merlin tripped over a rock.

"Merlin!" 

Pain engulfed his side, a burning heat ripping through his skin and burrowing into his bones. Merlin dimly realized he'd been screaming before rolling to the side and away from the blistering fire. Merlin curled up in himself, a whimper leaving him as tears began to form in his eyes. It seemed that someone had started a fire and Merlin hadn't been aware of it until he fell into it. A cry ripped through him as something touched him, he flinched away from them as he pressed his burned limb to his chest protectively. 

" _Merlin."_ A voice whispered urgently in his ear. It was apparent they were trying not to panic, but Merlin could hear the way their voice wavered. "Merlin, I'm not going to hurt you. If I don't treat it, it'll get worse. C'mon, let me see." Merlin let out a broken sounding sob but allowed them, who he suddenly realized was Arthur, to lift him up. He was practically laying in the prince's lap as he resting his head against his shoulder as tears slipped down his cheeks. Arthur seemed to be at a lost on how to stop this, floundering for a moment before simply getting to work on cleaning and treating the burn from the palm of his hands down past his wrist, gesturing for one of them to hand him some water. 

"Merlin," he turned his head, blinking away more tears as he felt a soft cloth being pressed to his face. "Do you want to hear about the time Arthur forgot to bring any arrows on an official hunting trip with his father?" Merlin frowned, feeling slightly annoyed that Gwaine had decided that  _now_ was a good time to prattle on about a silly story. Suddenly, Merlin realized, as the man was using a handkerchief to wipe away a his pained tears, he was trying to distract him from the heat and pain each rub of salve caused. Slowly, he nodded and Gwaine launched into a tale that might've mad Merlin crack up into laughter if he hadn't been hurting. Instead, a slightly strained giggle burst from him when Gwaine described the way king Uther had looked entirely disappointed in Arthur as he realized he had no way of killing anything they tracked. Arthur let out a slightly offended grunt, but didn't say anything more like he'd done when Gwaine embarrassed him. Merlin thought that maybe he was secretly glad Gwaine was keeping him from dissolving into more hysterics. 

Merlin was suddenly aware that, even if he couldn't see it, Percival and Leon were sitting right next to Gwaine and contributing to another story he'd started. He was slightly confused on why they were gathering around him when he let out a pained hiss as Arthur was gently wrapping the more severely burned flesh. He heard Gwaine stutter and pause while a rather heavy silence settled before continuing like nothing had happened. Merlin wondered if they were really worried about him. After all, wasn't he Arthur's servant? Was it normal for a master to tend to an injured worker? Merlin didn't know but that didn't stop him from leaning about Arthur like it was the most natural thing in the world and mumbling a quiet thank you as a sudden exhaustion washed over him. The voices of the knights were just soft background noises as Merlin's eyes fluttered closed and took a deep breath. He was feeling better, even if the area was still too hot and an odd combination of numb and throbbing. 

"C'mon, Merlin." Arthur said a little gruffly, but there was something slightly off about his voice. Merlin couldn't see his expression to understand that tone he had so he chose to ignore it. "You burned your arm, not your legs." Nodding quietly, Merlin stood and allowed Arthur to steer him around the fire, crackling almost innocently, and leading him to his bed roll. "I'll see you in the morning."  Giving him a sleepier nod than the one before, Merlin yawned and rolled over to burrow under his blankets while being careful to keep his burned arm out of the blankets and not pressing against anything. 

Merlin didn't mind the knights worrying about him, even if he was only a servant. 

But Merlin didn't sleep. 

He gasped and shot up, the sky above him was a warm orange and he wasn't sure if the sun was rising or setting. That didn't matter at the moment because he could  _see._ He looked down at his hands, opening and closing them as he gazed down in wonder. He could see the pale skin set upon his dark pants, his shirt a dark brown a shade lighter than the dirt he was sitting on. Merlin twisted around, trying to find someone- _anyone-_ to tell them he was no longer blind. Slowly, his face fell into a frown as he gazed around him. He was completely alone, no knights or camp or horses anywhere. He was sitting alone in the middle of the forest. 

"Hello?" he called tentatively, slowly getting to his feet. Merlin felt vaguely like there was someone watching him. When no there was no answer to his call, Merlin began walking.

At first, everything looked the same and he had no clue if he was simply going in circles. Then, he stumbled to a stop as a wide pit opened in front of him. He gasped and reeled back as his momentum almost tossed him in. Breathing a little heavier, Merlin gazed down into the complete darkness that seemed to stretch down for miles. With a jolt, Merlin's world turned sideways as he lost his footing and tumbled into the endless darkness.

It was like being blind again except the sound of wind howling in his ears as he fell head-over-heels made everything so much worse. Fear and panic filled him as he continued to fall down and down and down...

" _Mer_ lin, stop being lazy and get your arse to work." Body jerking, Merlin's eyes snapped open once again and he found himself leaning against a tree while looking out at a grassy clearing where a few bulky men seemed to be doing battle training. His head was starting to hurt from confusion and the terror of free falling being abruptly stopped. Slowly he looked up to see Arthur glaring down at him with his arms crossed, looking at him expectantly. Feeling utterly lost and completely frustrated with the fact he still couldn't remember anything farther than when he'd woken up blinded in that cave, Merlin stood and looked up at Arthur.

He rolled his eyes and shoved a shield into his hands, pushing him onto the field. Before he could ask any questions, Arthur was suddenly swinging at him. Crying out in surprise, Merlin ducked and did his best to block off the attack. Each whack of a mace or his sword vibrated through the shield and into his arms, making them heavier and weaker by the moment. Soon, the attacks became stronger and quicker until Merlin was on his back and curling up beneath his only protection. 

When the onslaught stopped, Merlin peeked one eye open to see his surroundings had once again changed. Shakily, he got to his feet and saw that he was inside a rather lavish room. Before he could investigate the room any further, Arthur came around the corner causing Merlin to flinch.

"I'd appreciate it if you managed to actually show up on time to wake me." He said, voice thick with annoyance and irritation. Swallowing, Merlin was unfamiliar with Arthur's tone. He'd only ever been kind to Merlin at the camp, so what'd he done to deserve such mistreatment. He didn't move or answer so when Arthur turned around with a rather dark expression, he immediately shrunk away. That didn't stop a boot from being chucked at his head, making a solid  _thump_ against his temple. He stumbled back, clutching the area he'd been struck. 

With a gasp, he realized he'd fallen backwards and was once again falling into nothing. 

Merlin shot up in his bed roll feeling dizzy and disorientated. With a pang, he realized that eyes opened or closed, he could no longer see. 

"Merlin?" He jumped at the soft voice, head jerking to where he'd heard it coming from. A hand rested gently on his shoulder and Merlin relaxed somewhat, recognizing the massive paw as Percival. "What is it?" Merlin rubbed at his eyes, sending the man a weak smile. 

"I had a rather unpleasant dream, that's all." Percival let out a sympathetic hum. "Why are you awake?" 

"I was actually going to check on your arm." I nodded. Percival was just making sure that no blisters had popped and that the burn would be on the road to recovery. I stayed still as he quietly worked. 

"There, all done." Merlin nodded and yawned, feeling exhausted once again but scared he'd have more nightmares. "You should sleep." Merlin pursed his lips but lied back down at the large man's prodding. 

All was quiet as Merlin closed his eyes. It made no difference but he knew it'd be better to keep them closed under the guise of falling asleep. Merlin didn't want to relieve any of those horrid nightmares, but he knew he should sleep. It wasn't long before he was once again asleep, this time only blissful rest greeted him instead of dreams. 

 

 

It was rather boring to ride all day. He was certain it'd be more entertaining if he could see the things they passed, but to Merlin all it was was the non-stop bouncing and relative silence that let him dwell in his head. Not even Percival's deep rumble or Gwaine's excitable nature could rouse Merlin from this stupor, he opted to sit there silently as they plodded along. He was tired, his arm was hurting and the way the knights treated him like a fragile child was starting to get on his nerves. 

Around noon they took a break to feed and water the horses while also allowing them to stretch their legs from the long ride. A dull throb behind his eyes had been bothering him since he'd woken at dawn, making him feel tired and rather sickly. As he stumbled off the side of the horse, Leon had to grab him by the arm to steady him.

"Alright there, Merlin?" he asked. Merlin couldn't see his expression but he could hear a note of concern in his voice. Merlin jerked his arm away, uncaring that it sent another wave of pain stabbing at his skull.

" 'm fine." he mumbled back, stepping to the side to allow Leon to lead his horse to the others. He could feel his gaze on him, burning holes into the side of his head as he let Gwaine lead him over to a tree stump to sit down. Muttering a thanks, Merlin closed his eyes and rubbed where the pain was most prominent. 

"Merlin, are feeling okay?" It took Merlin a moment to recognize Arthur's voice when a light touch landed on his shoulder. The pounding in his head that'd been a slight annoyance before was now a raging pain that seemed to rip through his skull and tear into his brain. There was only one clear thought in Merlin's mind as he clutched his head and fell to his knees:

You can't trust anyone.

A howl left him as he curled up into himself, pain radiating from inside. He wanted to rip out whatever was shooting sharp jolts of agony down his spine, tears sliding down his face without his permission. His breathing was escaping him in rapid pants, unable to control the way his limbs twitched to the steady beat of torment.

Images were flashing in front of his closed lids, bright and quick as he sunk into a spiral of confusion and pain; A giant of a man glaring darkly down at him while protecting a small woman behind him...Arthur's face drawn into a disgusted scowl as something hard connected with his already aching head...a tall dark man with a scar marring half his face and crown perched on his face screaming accusations as a pair of guards harshly forced him into a kneeling stance...

_"Merlin!"_

"What's happened?'

"Merlin, say something!"

A beautiful woman with a pale face and raven hair smiled warmly at him, drawing him close to whisper a secret or two. She was kind. A muscled man with dark skin let out a war cry and launched himself at him, drawing another cry from Merlin. A tall man with a sandy shadow along his jaw and shoulder length hair snapped harshly at him, roughly pushing him away. 

_ithurtshurtshurtshurtshurts_

Merlin's eyes rolled to the back of his head as he surfaced from deep, dark places, his lungs tight and fingers digging weakly into the dirt beneath him. Frothy spittle had gathered around the corner of his mouth and tears blurring his vision as the the last remnants of the headache rolled over him. He twitched once before going limp. He vaguely realized that someone was holding his arms down, causing prickles of heat to run along his burned flesh.

Feeling like his head was full of cotton, he blinked slowly as the voices around him came in and out of focus. Merlin shook lightly, unable to control the fearful action as he silently prayed that whatever he'd suffered through  _never happened again_ _._ Merlin's head was still reeling as he was lifted up into a sitting position, leaning heavily against someone. 

"Merlin," a voice spoke in his ear, sounding uncertain and shaken. "Can you hear me?" 

Merlin opened his mouth, a whimper leaving him as his head rolled backwards, falling into a dead faint. 


End file.
